How To Deal With The Clergy: A Layman's Guide
Published on Saturday 14 February 2004
by Steve Snelgrove
During three happy years as a manager with the Children's Society in Wales, which has several diocesan partnership projects, I learned a thing or two about dealing with the clergy.
I came into the job feeling fairly well equipped to handle people, having worked for a number of years with another charity. But most of what I had learned about dealing with individuals, groups and hierarchies had to be rapidly unlearned in order to cope with a completely new world.
The first and most important tip I would pass on is that the clergy answer to nobody. There is no management structure, no common set of policies and procedures, no supervision, and no support for the poor creatures.
Mention is made of a policy manual, even thicker and more complex that the average local-authority manual, and often leather-bound and gilt-edged. However, this seems to be seldom referred to, and of little help in making day-to-day decisions.
Parish policy is made on the hoof, and often seems to demonstrate the views and prejudices of the incumbent rather than a coherent interpretation of any corporate position.
If this rule is kept in mind, attending diocesan, provincial or other clergy-related meetings becomes a relaxing break from real life.
There are two principal reasons why the clergy are difficult people to deal with. Both these can be easily understood and overcome.
The first is that they all look the same. This goes further than the obvious uniformity in dress. There is a quality of ‘clergy-ness' that transcends personal idiosyncrasy. No matter how much of an individual the cleric may be, no lay person will remember his or her name if there are more than three clerics in the room.
This difficulty is easily dealt with, because it doesn't matter. The clergy will always group together and take no notice of anybody else in the room. This makes them difficult to offend.
The second difficulty is that you worry about being found spiritually wanting. But this doesn't matter either. Religion and spirituality, ethics and morals will never be mentioned or discussed, and will certainly never be drawn into the serious business of empire-building, backstabbing, politicking and nest-feathering.
There is, however, a need for a set of hints and rules vital to all those who find themselves expected to entertain a member of the clergy.
The lay person needs to bear in mind that no clergyman - and women are generally excluded from most of what follows - has any understanding of the notion that ‘There is no such thing as a free lunch'. Clergymen's lives are packed full of free lunches, and the lay person will be expected to pick up the tab. Pub lunches are a favourite, as pubs usually serve gammon steaks, which are near enough to ham to be totally acceptable.
So, what topic of conversation? Extensive research by one diocesan team provided the following list:
- Mobile Phones. Clerics have a detailed knowledge of the pricing-structure, range and reliability of all the mobile phone networks, and form views about each one. They also know how much each is being sold for in every shop within a 50-mile radius.
- Lidl. The European supermarket chain is a firm favourite with the clergy, who are amazed at the low prices and range of ham-related products. Aldi or Netto can be substituted, according to region.
- Star Trek. A surprisingly large proportion of the clergy has an interest in the subject that borders on obsession. This sometimes, but not always, extends to Dr Who; but it is best to wait to see if the clergyman brings this up himself.
- Strange Animals. Many clergymen keep strange and inappropriate pets. Or they have strong views about colleagues who do.
- Journeys. The best way to get from Aberaeron to Cardiff (substitute towns according to local needs). This works particularly well when there are three or more clerics in the room. It can see you through the best part of an afternoon.
The approach to meetings reflects this rugged individualism. Meetings with the clergy are governed by eight immutable rules to be observed:
- The meeting will be held in a room that looks like a baronial hall and smells like a second-hand bookshop. In the interests of fairness, the venue will be equally inaccessible by everyone.
- Nobody wanted to come to the meeting, and the rest of you should be jolly glad that they're there.
- Each attendee will use every opportunity to pursue his or her particular interest or obsession.
- The minutes of the last meeting (which nobody has actually read) will take up at least half the allotted time of the meeting.
- Somebody's planned a trip to the Holy Land, disguised as a conference/pilgrimage/fact-finding mission, will occupy half of the remaining time.
- There will be a good lunch, which will involve ham. This is probably why the laity serve ham at funerals.
- At least half of the participants will have to leave early.
- No decision will ever be taken. A skilled lay person can steer gently from one subject to the next, confident that the above five topics of conversation will be sufficient for any social or business event.
Relationships with the clergy can be rewarding and entertaining, if dealt with in the correct way and with realistic expectations. Like members of the opposite sex, the clergy need to be treated confidently, and with a mind for their needs and preferences. Men may be from Mars and women from Venus, but the clergy (see Star Trek) come from a whole different galaxy.
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